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Mar. 2nd, 2017

Im lonely and I feel unloved.
He straight up left work to comfort me when I said I needed a hug before.
Nothing is like that now. He spends very little time with me. When he is here , everything feels fine, but not good. Not true affection. He doesn't seem to want to be touched by me, let alone touch me. Hug maybe, but kissing is always initiated by me, and he rarely seems to actually want it. When he is gone we rarely talk. He is taking up hanging out with other people, and does not tell me about his days or what he has done. He doesn't tell me anything on a deeper level for sure, saying that there is either nothing to say or he feels different, and cant talk to me like before.
EVerything is shit and I know it. But I love him so much.
I imagine grasping at a fleeing cloud. This is what it feels like. And I hurt.
Im Tom arent I?
He is Summer...
You dont just get my trust. After what you did to me, you have to show my that you are trustworthy. And you are doing nothing of the sort.
We need to have a talk.

You have a job that you really wanted and that you really like. The people that are above you suck most of the time, but that is something you really are going to have to work with. You are shit with authority. You are even shittier with authority that shouldnt really be in charge. Some of those supervisors are shit. They talk shit. You cannot treat them like they are on your level and expect to get away with it. They gossip. You knew this from the first day. Of course they arent going to talk to you about problems. They are going to talk to the person in charge so that they can avoid that. You are no better. You suck at talking people yourself. Dont think you are better than them. When you are there, they are better than you. They are your boss. You fuck up, even if you didn't know you fucked up. Switch modes. Not the switch that you have been doing. Switch to peasant mode. Switch to I know I fucked up, dont burn down my house mode. Switch to no mam yes mam, no sir yes sir if you fucking need to. These people that you work with, all of them, are not your friends. They wont be your friend. The moment you are gone, they are talking shit about you and you know it. So act like you respect the fucking hell out of them. Act like a peasant does to the king that with a click of fingers can destroy everything they have. That is exactly what these people are.
I dont fucking care that you didn't know what you were doing. You dont get defensive. DONT FUCKING GET DEFENSIVE. You fuck up, own up to it. Apologize profusely.
Dont get sucked into the drama. Right now you are the drama. All of them are talking about you. They dont like you. You dont like them. Thats the way that it is. Dont show it.
You love your job. You love everyone. You respect every fucking person. That is all that should show.
You are supposed to be loved by your boss. Not on the verge of getting fired you fucking idiot.
I came home crying my eyes out cause my ex;s mom fb;ed me. Now where am I ?
Guess by the way I am typing :P
Im drunk. Waiting on a text to know he is alright and eating terrible food for me and DRINKING.
I undderstand why alcoholics are so stuck honestly. It feels good to not care as much. I am hurting so much but with a few drinks I can think about something else. I type triible. I have to read the texts that I send out 3 times before they are sent, but I still dont feel as bad. Im not crying. I am thinking about other things. I understnad. and it sucks. But I do get it.

Dec. 5th, 2015

Oh yeah I shaved my head.
Isnt it crazy how easily you can look like a male.
How if I dont wear makeup and iif Im wearing a baggy shirt or even just a sports bra I could pull off being male.
Isn't that crazy how easy it is to be seen as a different gender. And in this time (still) a different person.
Just because I have no hair, I can poull off being a totally different person. Isnt that crazy. Why is that a thing?
I could be identified as a male and be treated totally different.
That person that has given me two "flowers" around the stop light wouldnt.
The whistles wouldn't happen walking on the side of the street.
Just crazy.
I know there are thing sguys deal with but being called bro and fist bumps are all that are coming to mind right now.
Just crazy.
Maybe these things have already happened but I always beep it covered. It isscarey losing that you are a female. Being identified as a masle because I m a female. So I cover it up and wear a bit more makeup now so that it lasts through the day. It iss a crazy experience.

There are people out therethat deal with this stuff because it is their life, notjust becuase they wanted to see what it was like to be bald. That is even scrier. Imagine being thought of as the other gender. Imagine people treating you differently because of it. It is a part of your identifty and people treat you differently because of it. I know that I have been looked at differently., but I can get inside those peoples minds and say why shaving my head has made such a difference in that, I just know that it has.
It is truly a interesting experience. And yeah I think about people thinking I have cancer, but when I look in the mirror or take a picture without a hat on, I am adjusting my angle so that I can look like a girl rather than a guy. Just a simple tilt of the head. Crazy. And maybe a malle can do this as well. Maybe it is just angles. We really are so similar. Why is being a female so much different?
Its crazy how you thought it would be one person singing a song and then it actually turns out to be another. And im brokwne cause it wasent the previous.
Look at where I am now.
You;re telling me how Im persfect for me. That I am special. That I cannot compare to another.
Im here comparing you to him. Comparing ohw nice you are. How much niccer you are to e than the one that I love.
God Im gon.e who even am I, the owrst personthere is. gd . i hate evetyhitn i am. why am i this way
Com[arting this kndness to one that shos me kindness only when he needs something of me. god who am i anymore?
He came to get V.
Just opened my door and was going to leave with her.
I asked him to stay and talk and with a lot of reluctance he stayed.
He stood in the doorway and I watched his fingers go through his mail and I spilled my guts for the billionth time.
The ring is gone. And it symbolizes him letting go of me to me.
He wore it for so long.
I wonder if he goes to feel it and then gets sad when it isnt there
Like I still am with mine.
I asked questions and he talked to V.
He said there was nothing to talk about while he cut me deeper.
I explained how things were good and then nothing.
And he did not respond.
I asked if he wanted to be friends and he said yes.
I have a feeling he was lying.
Cause I don't feel like he is going to try
and that hurts a lot
cause we cant even have a conversation.
I try and he says it isn't one and I know that because he isn't talking.
It isnt a conversation if I do all the talking
And as he leaves he says I hope youre having a good time with your new boyfriend
And I dont know why he would say that.
Trying to figure out if I have one? Rub it in that I don't and can't. Make it feel like he knows something he doesn't.
Its cruel no matter what way it is spun.
And Im lonely.
No V.
No anyone.
And he has let me go.
And I keep trying and trying cause everything says if you have something you dont want to lose that you have to try and not let go..
And Im trying and trying and just getting hurt more and more because he is pushing me away.
I dont know what to do.
Im just sad and lonely and he looks like he is doing just fine.


dandelion, me

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